Friday, March 27, 2009

The week is over.

Tonight I start my second job Go-Go dancing.
Tomorrow is the funeral.

Lord give me strength.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

A horrible loss...

Thomas Robles "TJ"

God saw you getting tired,

And a cure was not to be...

So he put his arms around you,

and said "Come to me"

With tearful eyes we watched you,

And saw you fade away,

Although we loved you dearly

we could not make you stay.

All this time I think of you,

Many Times I cry...

If love alone could save you,

You never would have died.

A golden heart stopped beating.

Hard working hands were put to rest.

God broke our hearts to prove to us,

He only Takes the best.

You never know how much you love someone until they are gone.

I'm filled with sorrow, and pain today.

A man that has been such an amazing friend to me, and so much more passed away on Saturday.

I found out late Monday night.
I was very very close to TJ. We had a relationship that no one would be able to understand. We understood each other, and his precious memory will always be with me.

Grieving does something very strange to a person. I have had loss before.

This time it is different. It is someone I have been intimate with, shared my soul and my body with. TJ has seem me in all of my glory, and that of my un-glorious day. He loved me just the way I was, every inch of me. He made me feel so very beautiful and special, just by the way he looked at me, and I knew it. He never had to say it. It was in his beautiful blue/green eyes. I knew every inch of his skin, and I loved it. I can tell you that two of his nails were blue. From smashing them, I can tell you exactly where his freckles are. And I'm so overwhelmingly pained to know that I will never see them again.

I hear his voice in my dreams, its so frightening to me. This morning, I swore I saw his silhouette staring over my shoulder in the mirror, where he would stand in the morning and watch me put on my makeup.

I love you TJ. No matter what our "status" ever was... Whatever we ever argued about, whatever I said that wasn't nice. Please forgive me. I love you so much, and I don't know if I ever told you other than that one time under my breath, in fear of what your reaction would be. I really hope you know that I did love you. So much that I'm a complete mess with the thought that you will never be there in the morning again, that I wont be able to hold your rough overworked hands in mine, or that I wont go to bed at night staring at the phone, awaiting your phone call. I didn't tell you, but you were the man of my dreams...

Thank you for asking me to be your valentine.
Thank you for working so hard and loving my legs...
Thank you for being so strong, and always having my back.
Thank you for giving me space and respect while I shared my life with someone else for a year.

I will never stop loving you, I will never forget you.
Please watch over me, and send me your strength this week, and for months to come...
I don't know how I could get through this without you here. You were the one Id go to for strength.

Rest In Sweet Peace My Darlin.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Second Family.

My Second Family

Here I am, another intense day at work... (A new work that is) With all kinds of fun new challenges and changes.
I used to love a good challenge, but lately I have had far too many. I just want to sleep. For a month or maybe two.

I have to say that walking in the door every morning isnt as bad as it could be because I am lucky enough to have a second family. A family of coworkers that always say "good morning". They know when you are grumpy and when to just leave you the heck alone... They know when all you need is a hug or a smile. They help you even when they need helping themselves. You know you see the people you work with more (in most circumstances) than your own family. These people pictured in this post have reallllly become my best friends... My sisters, mothers, and my side-kicks. Im so blessed.

They bring you a piece of licorice, just when Im at the point of stress that I may possibly eat the whole candy bowl. They support me in my life decisions... And always have my back (you know who you are). Half of them are going to come out and support me (while im half naked) go-go dancing on Friday. What's mine is yours I guess :) I appreciate these folks so much and they deserve the second family award.

So here it is My LISIANS.

Here is to you...
Now I need a drink.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Formula & Short Whites.

Yeah, It is kinda like baby formula. And its SOOO good... I mean, since when is it okay to drink a package of powder and call it breakfast? Now is a good time. You know, I have never been one of those crazy "dieting" people, that drink the supplements etc. And I am pretty sure that Carnation Instant Breakfast doesn't even fall in the supplement category. None the less it is an incredibly yummy, think, grainy chocolate milk, that fills you up, and doesn't let you down. (hehe)

On to more fun topics... I got my nails done yesterday. I had a gift certificate I hadn't used yet, so I figured after my tanning trip and before the gym, I would stop to get my nails done. MISTAKE.

It started out as the normal salon trip... "Peek yo' Cuhla" Which roughly translates to - "Pick Your Color". After you explain you don't want a color... That you want Pink & White, they smile... Because they know they are going to up sale up sale up sale.

First you can't get acrylic... No no no. Acrylic (the cheapest) isn't good enough for you. You need fiberglass. The reason? " "It so much mo bootiful fo youuuuu" *4 dollars more*
Then there's a special topcoat and sealer.... *2 Dollars more*

Who knew that you needed a special top coat with the special nail powder. Not I.

Then She's so sweet. Shes super concerned. Not only about the very shape of your nail but, if "you have boyfriend"... "Why you single?" And she wants to know every detail of your love life, while she talks in a completely different language when you finish. Which makes you wonder... Seriously? Are they talking about me?

Have you noticed that these nail ladies barely even raise their voices, and the other 3 women can hear every word they are saying? Its like they have incredible hearing. They talk so fast and so low. I'm envious.

So, as I'm sitting there and shes doing my nails, I mention that I like the whites of my nails short . Which I did not apparently explain properly. She took me literally, and still put the whites half way up my nail bed, and did she ever make those whites short. Yes. Yes she did.

I have no nail over my fingertips. The nails are filed so far back that my fingertips actually exceed my nails. But you know what? My whites are short.

Thanks Ana. Sweet little Ana.
And thanks for still charging me full price for nails shorter than when I came in. I appreciate you and your diverse beauty skills.

Lets just say this is my punishment for the upgrade to fiberglass and the super special coat that I upgraded to. I couldn't afford it. So I was punished.

My fingertips hurt.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Take me away.

Just close my eyes. Take me away.

Today is particularly frustrating. I feel as if I am at wits end, and that there may not be light at the end of the tunnel just yet. I think I have too much stress to deal with at this point in my life. There should be an age restriction on stress. Like you cant have a certain amount of stress until 30... it stunts your growth.

Im only 24 and I feel as if I am facing this world all by myself. I walk around today, with a lump in the back of my throat, just supressing the mass amount of sobbing that just wants to push thru. The other morning, I couldn't help myself but start crying... in the shower... And what is weird about crying in the shower is that your dont really feel like your crying, so I just allowed it. I sat down, let the water hit my face and just sobbed. Like a ninny.

Im at the point of not knowing what to do. Im just really sad inside. I feel like I have lost everything all at once, and now im just wandering, trying to find something to grasp on to.

What irritates me, is that with the way things are right now... All these people that got into these crazy ass ARM loans and now are scrambling for help not to loose their house are getting help. What about the renter?? Im about to loose my apartment. Comeon now. Where is my relief?? Im not asking for money, but maybe just let me out of my lease without penalties. Thats not too much to ask for. I need to write my congressman. You should too :)

And have you heard of the "tent cities"? If you haven't, look them up. That is what keeps me humble.

I know I know. Poooooooor me. That's not at all what I am getting at. I just needed to vent. This is a great avenue to do it.

Im still here. Please... Take me away!

(Thank you Samantha. For being there for me every night, so I dont feel like all hope is gone)