Friday, March 27, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Grieving does something very strange to a person. I have had loss before.
This time it is different. It is someone I have been intimate with, shared my soul and my body with. TJ has seem me in all of my glory, and that of my un-glorious day. He loved me just the way I was, every inch of me. He made me feel so very beautiful and special, just by the way he looked at me, and I knew it. He never had to say it. It was in his beautiful blue/green eyes. I knew every inch of his skin, and I loved it. I can tell you that two of his nails were blue. From smashing them, I can tell you exactly where his freckles are. And I'm so overwhelmingly pained to know that I will never see them again.
I hear his voice in my dreams, its so frightening to me. This morning, I swore I saw his silhouette staring over my shoulder in the mirror, where he would stand in the morning and watch me put on my makeup.
I love you TJ. No matter what our "status" ever was... Whatever we ever argued about, whatever I said that wasn't nice. Please forgive me. I love you so much, and I don't know if I ever told you other than that one time under my breath, in fear of what your reaction would be. I really hope you know that I did love you. So much that I'm a complete mess with the thought that you will never be there in the morning again, that I wont be able to hold your rough overworked hands in mine, or that I wont go to bed at night staring at the phone, awaiting your phone call. I didn't tell you, but you were the man of my dreams...
Thank you for asking me to be your valentine.
Thank you for working so hard and loving my legs...
Thank you for being so strong, and always having my back.
Thank you for giving me space and respect while I shared my life with someone else for a year.
I will never stop loving you, I will never forget you.
Please watch over me, and send me your strength this week, and for months to come...
I don't know how I could get through this without you here. You were the one Id go to for strength.
Rest In Sweet Peace My Darlin.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
On to more fun topics... I got my nails done yesterday. I had a gift certificate I hadn't used yet, so I figured after my tanning trip and before the gym, I would stop to get my nails done. MISTAKE.
It started out as the normal salon trip... "Peek yo' Cuhla" Which roughly translates to - "Pick Your Color". After you explain you don't want a color... That you want Pink & White, they smile... Because they know they are going to up sale up sale up sale.
First you can't get acrylic... No no no. Acrylic (the cheapest) isn't good enough for you. You need fiberglass. The reason? " "It so much mo bootiful fo youuuuu" *4 dollars more*
Then there's a special topcoat and sealer.... *2 Dollars more*
Who knew that you needed a special top coat with the special nail powder. Not I.
Then She's so sweet. Shes super concerned. Not only about the very shape of your nail but, if "you have boyfriend"... "Why you single?" And she wants to know every detail of your love life, while she talks in a completely different language when you finish. Which makes you wonder... Seriously? Are they talking about me?
Have you noticed that these nail ladies barely even raise their voices, and the other 3 women can hear every word they are saying? Its like they have incredible hearing. They talk so fast and so low. I'm envious.
So, as I'm sitting there and shes doing my nails, I mention that I like the whites of my nails short . Which I did not apparently explain properly. She took me literally, and still put the whites half way up my nail bed, and did she ever make those whites short. Yes. Yes she did.
I have no nail over my fingertips. The nails are filed so far back that my fingertips actually exceed my nails. But you know what? My whites are short.
Thanks Ana. Sweet little Ana.
And thanks for still charging me full price for nails shorter than when I came in. I appreciate you and your diverse beauty skills.
Lets just say this is my punishment for the upgrade to fiberglass and the super special coat that I upgraded to. I couldn't afford it. So I was punished.
My fingertips hurt.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
(Thank you Samantha. For being there for me every night, so I dont feel like all hope is gone)