Grieving does something very strange to a person. I have had loss before.
This time it is different. It is someone I have been intimate with, shared my soul and my body with. TJ has seem me in all of my glory, and that of my un-glorious day. He loved me just the way I was, every inch of me. He made me feel so very beautiful and special, just by the way he looked at me, and I knew it. He never had to say it. It was in his beautiful blue/green eyes. I knew every inch of his skin, and I loved it. I can tell you that two of his nails were blue. From smashing them, I can tell you exactly where his freckles are. And I'm so overwhelmingly pained to know that I will never see them again.
I hear his voice in my dreams, its so frightening to me. This morning, I swore I saw his silhouette staring over my shoulder in the mirror, where he would stand in the morning and watch me put on my makeup.
I love you TJ. No matter what our "status" ever was... Whatever we ever argued about, whatever I said that wasn't nice. Please forgive me. I love you so much, and I don't know if I ever told you other than that one time under my breath, in fear of what your reaction would be. I really hope you know that I did love you. So much that I'm a complete mess with the thought that you will never be there in the morning again, that I wont be able to hold your rough overworked hands in mine, or that I wont go to bed at night staring at the phone, awaiting your phone call. I didn't tell you, but you were the man of my dreams...
Thank you for asking me to be your valentine.
Thank you for working so hard and loving my legs...
Thank you for being so strong, and always having my back.
Thank you for giving me space and respect while I shared my life with someone else for a year.
I will never stop loving you, I will never forget you.
Please watch over me, and send me your strength this week, and for months to come...
I don't know how I could get through this without you here. You were the one Id go to for strength.
Rest In Sweet Peace My Darlin.