Thursday, April 2, 2009

My heart is sad

I think about 'him' all the time. I close my eyes and its hard not to imagine his last moments. The thoughts that were going through his head. I think "I hope he did not feel pain".
It doesn't feel real. I call his cell phone at least once a day to hear his voice. Each time it makes my heart break a little more. I have his pictures everywhere. I don't know if this is healthy or not. Every time I look at my phone, his face is there. Smiling, with bright shining eyes. We looked so very happy.

Its like I am trying to make myself believe it.

I had to read the obituaries over and over to see if I could get it to set in. It did not work.
I made memorial items to put on the side of the road where he died. Part of me wants to go there... the last place he was. Another part of me, thinks that it will be way to painful.
The funeral was just a service. No casket. No closure. I feel like I needed to see him lowered into the ground. How morbid right?

There is something about him that will make it hard for me to ever let it go. He had so much going for him, such a future. He had worked so hard, graduated college, took numerous courses. He had a baby girl. Alyssa. One day I will go to her, when she is older... And tell her how incredible her father was. I'm sick to my stomach that he had so much trouble getting to see her. He just wanted to be with her more.

I also have a hate in my soul that I have never felt before. I would never act on it... So know this.
But the girl that was driving that car, I'm so angry. I'm so very angry at her. I'm angry at him! I'm so upset that he would even make the decision to be in the vehicle with someone who was drinking. I'm angry at the whole situation and it just makes me want to scream.

This is effecting me. To the point where I cant sleep. I cant eat without feeling sick... I cant function like I used to. I'm starting to smile again, but its rare. I'm to myself and just like being alone.

I know everyone deals with grieving in different ways. I just don't know how to deal.
Ive learned a lot from this on the other hand. I know that I will never take anyone for granted... I wont play that dating game. I wont act like I don't care, or that I have better things to do. When I want to call... Ill call. And when I care about someone... Ill make sure they know that I do.

A funny memory popped in my head two days ago. This whole time I had been stressing about if I really told 'him' that I loved him more than once.


Thank you drunk dialing. - A couple months ago, I called him. Very late. I had had a couple beverages and had been out with the girls all night. He was the first and only person I called.
I left him a message that slurr-ily went something like this... "Hey! It's me. I just called to say... I love you. So yeah, I love you?!. Call me back. Love you!" A few days later, not even recalling this drunk dial, he came over and told me he had something he just loved that he wanted me to hear. He pulls out his phone, puts it on speaker, and goes to his saved messages.
And there it was. My voice, music in the background, and I'm sure lots of alcohol on my breath...
"I love you".

I said it. And I thank Grey Goose and Cranberry for the courage.
- This, is the one smile that has been cause of this sadness.

I'm really bad with death. My heart... is so sad.


  1. I've been a social worker and have dealt with grieving clients. I think it would probably be really beneficial to see if you could see a grief counselor. These feelings are all normal, and forget what you read about the 5 stages of grief. It doesn't usually work in stages. You feel how you feel.

  2. I think that is completely natural to feel the way that you feel. You lost someone that you deeply loved. Allow yourself to grieve and eventaully it will get better. :o)