Why is it so confusing?
Why do I have to try and figure everything out? Is it that I am protecting myself? Do I want to push you away... Or do I want you to make an effort to stay. Who knows. I just know the only person you can be honest with is yourself.
If you try and say what you feel, its all taken incorrectly. Always. Is it taken as needy? Drama? Petty? - Maybe all of the above, but what I know is this...
I am a kick ass girl. Any man would be lucky to have me, and any girl would be lucky to be my friend. I treat the people important to me in life like treasures. I always feel as if the love I give is either taken wrong or for granted...
David for instance...was a mess when I left him, begging me back as he then realized what he had was pretty good, and now it was gone.
Funny. If he would have just showed a little bit more appreciation to me, Id probably have a ring on my finger as I write today.
TJ did the same thing. Realized what he had was good. Problem is it took him a year to figure it out, then died a couple months later.
I think of him every day, and I hate to say it... But I think him dying will always effect me in my relationships. Apparently, to a disadvantage.
I promised myself when TJ died that I would just say how I felt. Not put my heart on my sleeve, make sure that I was in it to win it, and not going to be left in the dust. That I would never ever be taken advantage of again, that I would expect the best and deal with nothing less. If I felt something, or thought it (and it wasn't incredibly irrational) I was going to say it.
Those words that I was always afraid to let escape my lips, will be heard. "I care about you"... "I want you in my life"... "I love you"
And if rejection comes, Ill deal with it as a grown ass woman, because I know that I am worth it.
Ahhhh. Just get me away. I need a VACAY!